Unfulfilled Desire
by Winter's Melancholy
Summary: A one-shot, written from Ruka's perspective. A lovelorn young boy speaks of unrequited affection from the first woman he ever fell in love with. Heartache and longing fill his thoughts. One-sided Ruka/Mikan. Based on personal experience. Read, review, and enjoy! Rated T for safety, and language.


**Notes: **Here's a one-shot based on my personal experience. I hope you don't mind the slightly melancholic tone to this one. Written to Mozart's Lacrimosa, from his Requiem.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gakuen Alice, or any of its associated characters. They are the work of Higuchi Tachibana. Any similarity to real-life events is mere coincidence.

I wake up again in the morning. Oh, how my heart aches. I see her walk down the stone corridors of the school every day, her bright smile never failing to warm me up, even on a chilly winter's morning. I blush as she speaks. She waves, and trips on a rock, like the clumsy, endearing little girl she is. I love her. There is no denying it.

As much as I would choose to get close to her, and even though I was the first to reach out and treat her properly, she glances at me once, twice, again and again, as only a friend. A _good_ friend. A _best_ friend. Does she not comprehend how I gaze at her longingly all day in class? Does her beautiful face, her beautiful hazel eyes ever look at me in the same way mine do at her? We walk around, converse all the time. I try to stay close, in class or otherwise, but this amounts to nothing. Will she continue to break my heart like this?

Alas, it is not her fault. It is my cowardice, a sheer lack of willpower on my part. My inability, my fear of rejection. I am weak. I will never, sadly, be able to bring myself to announce my true feelings for her. I know, deep down, that she would never hurt me, that her smile would fix my brokenness, but I also know she will never be able to be with me. Her heart already belongs to someone else. She cannot possibly return my feelings. I watch, as she slowly grows distant as time passes.

Her light steps, her cheerful demeanour. Her beautiful disposition. Her laughter rings in everyone's ears like a sweet bell, befitting of a belle like her. I look on, as she seems to be oblivious, day after day, to my growing affections. I stand on by, a quiet and pained smile on my face, as she marches on with another. I cannot bear to part them. He is my best friend. He needs her. That throbbing in my chest intensifies, with each step I take further away from them. I will gladly endure this pain for the two who are dearest to me, yet somehow, I cannot help but feel envious of their happiness.

Have I mentioned her beauty? Those well shaped features so well-placed on her delicate heart-shaped face. Her beautiful jewels of eyes, those sparkling hazel gems, glittering in awe or in glee, never in true distress. Her hair, silky like the fur of an exotic creature, shines with an auburn sheen. She is a goddess. Beauty to her is trivial. She drives me mad, but at the same time she is ecstasy. I do not think her innocent face and beauty will ever be corrupted by the world, even as she is plunged into this darkness, this darkness we all share. She is a woman of paradoxes, a person of purity in a dark dimension of tainted impurity. An innocent woman who has seen the world and all its flaws, and yet remains untouched by it.

She is like an Indian summer, right in the middle of a long, cold winter. I huddle close to her to escape the chill, but she grows increasingly further away.

She is perfect, in many ways. More ways than one. More ways than I can even count. She deserves him, and he deserves her. They will not benefit if I separate them, if I fulfilled my selfish desire. I cannot bring myself to do it, either.

She is like a person who fixes everything. Wounds, minds, hearts. She steps into someone's shattered existence, and her radiance shines as a beacon of hope to that everyone. She is loud, cheerful, thoughtful. A ball of sunshine, undaunted even by the worst of circumstances. She stepped into my life, and gave me hope for the future. Hope, that we would one day escape this cursed existence. But then, she slowly faded. She stepped into_ his_ life. Healed him, made him whole again. He, whose life was far worse than mine, who fought to keep us all safe. She gave him reason to go on. His passion blazed like a fire on a cold, winter's night, for the first time in years. He was given renewed resolve. I watched, supported on the sidelines, a heaviness always occupying that incomplete cavity in my chest. She became the sun in his life, leaving mine empty. I longed for her then, and I still do now. I am bound, as a friend, by duty, though. I can never interrupt. Never, ever. They do not need more pain than they have experienced already.

As she continues to walk the corridors, her arm now in his, her mere presence still brightening up everything, I look at them with even more longing, a want amplified by my desire to simply be by her side. I stroke my rabbit quietly, never showing anything on the exterior. I remain the calm, quiet, and cheerful boy that everyone adores.

I wonder if she bears burdens like I do. Like he does. I wonder if everything that ever happened to her would cause her to break one day. If that moment comes, I wonder if she would accept my help. Will she take my shoulder?

Ah, but that is simply wishful thinking. She already has a shoulder stronger than mine to lean on. I shall just watch bitterly, with hopes that they remain happy fuelling my resolve. I shall continue to remain quiet. I sacrifice my own happiness for hers, knowing that she sacrifices hers for others'.

It scares me to think that one day, she shall be with him forever, and I may never get to see her again. Will he take her far away from this dastardly place when everything has washed over? I do not blame him. Yet, I wish not to part from this woman, this first love of mine. Will I ever find another like her? Will feelings ever be the same? I have never felt love like this before. It makes me want to throw myself in front of a car to prove my point. It is sweet poison.

And so, I stand quietly along the sidelines, watching as she hums cheerfully in the classroom, as she is struck by small blasts of electricity from our math teacher. She is sweet, sweet pleasure, of a kind that I can never have. I will stand here, though. Waiting. Watching. Suffering silently, till she comes to me. A fool's wish, a life squandered, one might say, but it will still be joy. It may never happen, but I shall remain happy, a lovestruck fool completely oblivious to any other.

She has claimed my heart, but I shall never, ever, claim hers.

**Fin.**

Wow, since when did I become so angsty?


End file.
